WASHINGTON - Thousands gathered as polite protests erupted across Canada on Tuesday following President Donald Trump’s first meeting with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau after photographs revealed the President attempting to shake hands with the Prime Minister’s crotch.
“It was extremely embarrassing,” a White House staffer said, asking to remain anonymous. “The President actually licked his lips beforehand, and just sort of dove right in.”
The Prime Minister responded by attempting to redirect Trump’s small, wandering hands into a firm handshake. The President, however, would not be deterred. Sources close to the Prime Minister say Trump leaned in to whisper, “Nobody cherishes women like I do,” before trying to gently kiss an obviously disgusted Trudeau on the neck.
“When you’re a star, they let you do this,” the President explained to mortified onlookers as red-faced Secret Service agents tried to get between him and the Prime Minister. “I’m movin’ on him like a bitch.”
Presidential Counselor Kellyanne Conway quickly took to the air to defend POTUS.
“The liberal media has always painted President Trump as a sexist,” she told NBC’s Joe Scarborough during The Morning Joe. “This was simply the President indicating that he does not favor abusing women over men.
It’s also quite strange that the supposedly ‘tolerant’ leftists would go after President Trump for a display of male attraction,” she added. “It’s obviously impossible for him to be a sexist if he also sexually assaults men.”
At press time, the Prime Minister’s office had issued a very gently worded request for an apology.